Prim, Proper and Curious: Part II

With the quill and small bottle of ink in hand, I walked over to the small wooden desk in the corner of the room and sat down in the thin wooden chair that faced it. I laid the single piece of paper down in front of me and set the ink bottle next to it. My sister, her husband Walter and the group of party guests followed me and encircled the desk, their bodies hunched forward in order to get a better look.

I dipped the quill into the ink and began to write directly below the string of seemingly random numbers. I started with the number one, and writing on down the page, stopped at twenty-three. Then, with another dip in the ink, I wrote the alphabet through “W” right next to the set of numbers.

1 A
2 B
3 C
4 D
5 E
6 F
7 G
8 H
9 I
10 J
11 K
12 L
13 M
14 N
15 O
16 P
17 Q
18 R
19 S
20 T
21 U
22 V
23 W

Below this I wrote out each letter that corresponded to each number of the puzzle. When I had finished, the string of letters appeared as follows: “theweddingwasasham”.

“The wedding was a sham”, I read aloud.

There was a small but collective gasp from the group.

“Now who would play such a foul practical joke!” Abigail’s husband Walter said in anger.

I turned to my side and saw my sister Abigail standing near me. She looked at me but said nothing. She appeared deep in thought.

“Well done solving the puzzle lad,” an older gentlemen from the crowd said.

“It was nothing really,” I responded, turning halfway around in my seat to better address everyone. “A puzzle like this is merely child’s play”.

A few people laughed.

“Then I might have something a little more difficult for you, sir”, a voice said from the opposite side of the large parlor room.

All of the party guests stood up firmly at once and turned their attention toward the voice. It had come from the party’s greeter.

“Frank!” Walter called to the greeter before the man could continue, “Where did you find this note?”

“In front of the house, sir”, Frank answered respectfully. “I came in help your wife clean up the kitchen, and when I returned to stand in front of the door, it was laying on the outside steps in front of me.”

Walter seemed satisfied with this answer and did not say another word. Frank continued.

“And then I just came in, and there was another note in the front entrance way”.

“Inside the house?” I asked, surprised.

“Yes, sir,” Frank the greeter confirmed, “It was so close to my feet I nearly stepped on it.”

He held up the second sheet of paper. Even from the opposite side of the room I could tell it had some writing on it.

“You know what this means”, I said, more to the entire group this time. “The prankster is inside this very house. Whoever he or she is, they wanted us to know this very fact”.

There was a moment of silence. The group of people huddled behind my chair began to slowly distance themselves from one another.

“But… Why?” Abigail asked me.

“I don’t know yet, but possibly the second message will shed some light on that very question. Please, if you would bring that to me, Frank,” I requested.

He did, and I set the second sheet of paper right next to the first. The second paper has this written upon it:

“The fourth is the second, the first is the fourth, the third is the first, the fifth is the third and the second is the fifth. Nothing is where it should be. Oyu biilaga i ntod veol. ”

Prim, Proper and Curious: Part I

Tonight was the big night. My sister Abigail had just got married the day before and she was having an extravagant party complete with music, food and dance. To my utter delight, I was invited to perform a lovely violin solo for the quests.

The day flew fast and before I knew it, it was time to head out. I pulled my coat off of the wooden rack, gently placed my top hat on my head and readjusted the monocle in my vest pocket. (Just a silly little habit of mine, you see. Think nothing of it).

All it took was a ten minute carriage ride down the stone road in the moonlight and I had arrived at my sister’s luxurious house. I tipped the fine carriage driver, tilted my top hat in thanks and walked up the short series of steps to the front door. The greeter at the door welcomed me, and I stepped inside.

About a quarter of the party quests had arrived so far, evenly spread out and conversing in the four first-floor rooms. My sister, who was talking to her new husband and a couple of friends, turned and spotted me through the crowd. Her eyes twinkled through the dimly-lit house and she hurried up to me.

“What a joy it is to see you brother,” she said smiling. “Welcome. Won't you have a taste of Maria’s fine cooking?”

“Most definitely,” I said as I removed my top hat and placed it on one of the open arms of the family’s coat rack, “I’m sure it’s delicious”.

After all of the guests had arrived, we had a very fine dinner indeed. Then everyone gathered around me in the parlor. After a brief tuning of my violin, I began to play my solo. The soothing sound flowed through the large, beautiful room, and with the occasional glance of the audience I noticed that they were quite pleased with my song. My sister Abigail, deeply moved, held her hands together out in front of her. Judging from her expression one might guess that she had never heard me perform.

After I finished my song, there was a round of applause. I put my arm that held the violin diagonally across my waist and gave a bow. Just a moment after all of the clapping had stopped, the man who greeted me at the door earlier in the evening walked into the room.

“Excuse me, ma’am”, he said to my sister, “This came for you”.

Everyone turned to find him holding a folded sheet of paper. Abigail hesitated for a moment, then finally walked over and took the sheet from him. She unfolded it then stood transfixed. Puzzled. She faced the open sheet of paper in my direction, but unable to see it clearly from where I was standing, I moved through the seated audience to get a better look. I took the sheet of paper from her, fit my monocle over my right eye, and studied the sheet carefully. On it was a series of numbers:

20.8.5.23.5.4.4.9.14.7.23.1.19.1.19.8.1.13

I looked up from the sheet of paper to my curious sister.

“I’ll need a quill and some ink. I believe this is some sort of code”.

Zombie Ap-ololol-calypse

As one of the few survivors of the recent zombie apocalypse, it’s ironic that I sometimes find the zombies themselves to be quite humorous. But humorous they can be!

My uncle owned a sniper rifle, but now that he fits in well with all of the other mindless new inhabitants of the world, my baby – as I call her - is now mine. As brainless as they are, zombies have a nasty habit of sneaking up on us survivors when we least expect it. Nothing ruins a good Spam-tastic dinner like a stinky, murderous zombie. That’s when my baby comes in handy. One or two quick close-range shots from the hip and those zombies fly through the air like ragdolls, their limbs spinning ‘round.

One female zombie ran up on us in the middle of the street, but two quick bullets sent her flying head-first into a nearby mailbox. After an older zombie businessman in a suit and tie took a shot at point-blank range, he flew up and hit his head on a street light before coming crashing back down to earth. Another zombie lost all of his motor skills and ran straight into a wall.

Every day is a new adventure and every day brings more laughs. The king of all zombies, the muscular behemoth known only as the “Tank” ran into my unsuspecting party in a subway station one evening. This Tank decided that I was his primary target, and I ended up jogging almost a mile backward as I constantly circled around the ticket booths, shooting all the while. It took several clips, but the mighty beast finally fell face-first into a spilled soda cup.

One of my favorite moments had to be when my party and I were on the roof of the hospital, waiting for a local news chopper to come rescue us. A swarm of zombies came up from the lower floors and began to encircle us. A friend of mine shot one of the nearest zombies in the leg with a shotgun, causing it to trip and plop awkwardly on all fours. The line of zombie’s right behind this undead gentleman immediately began to trip over him, and the entire group began to fall domino-style all around us. In a few moments, their entire circle lay flat. The chopper landed on the helipad on the other side of the roof, and I simply used the back of one of the zombies to launch myself over the fallen bunch. It wasn’t until the chopper was flying away with its four new passengers that the zombies were able to untangle themselves and stand up once more. It was a little hard to see through the helicopter's small windows, but it almost looked like to me that there was a little embarrassment expressed in those undead faces.

(This entry was based on and inspired by Valve’s zombie apocalypse video game, Left 4 Dead, currently available for the PC and Xbox 360)

Obligatory Introduction

Welcome friends, family, internet associates and random guy who doesn’t know me but somehow stumbled upon my blog in the vastness of the web. Welcome to my new and hopefully much more interesting blog. Yes, I had a previous blog, but its account of my day-to-day actions and feelings eventually bored every single person who ever visited it. Including myself. But no more! This blog is going to be nothing like that poor soul. So, let’s proceed, shall we?

I’ve written so many introductions for so many various things – blogs, social-networking sites, dating sites, personal hobby sites – that I really tried to avoid writing yet another one. But alas, I’ve decided that this blog really needs an introduction. Without one, my readers would most likely be left wondering what the hell is going on.

So here it goes: This blog will feature very short stories (usually about a page or two in length) which are inspired by my every day life, but end up reaching a whole new, strange, and sometimes comedic level. Fiction layered on top of reality, if you will. Sensationalism. A sensationalizing of my life. Hence the title. Topics will range from my hobbies to people I know to unique situations. Nothing is sacred.

So please check back on a semi-regular basis. My first true entry will be up soon, and if everything goes according to plan, later entries will follow in regular intervals. Until then, welcome, and I hope you enjoy your stay.